"My way has always been a sort of bumbling trial and error."

- Alice Waters

I'm a firm believer in the fact that things can and do happen for a reason. I'm not religious, but I do think there is balance and harmony in everything - sometimes it just takes a little longer to discover. The only way to find these things, though, is to subject yourself to the possibility of failure.

In recent months, I've thought a lot about this team, and why it came to me when it did. As I discussed in my last blog, this incredible group of individuals is a new family - a group that is stepping in for another family I am losing.

But aside from the team itself, I've been privileged to have a number of other things align in my life because of or around this group. Like any logical individual, I've thought about the "coincidence" of things coming together right here, right now.

You see, 2009 has been a really terrible year for me. There were good things - getting the job at Steppenwolf, working at Steppenwolf, and making Texas 4000 - but they were far outweighed by the bad things - a miserable, soul-crushing experience on my spring show, getting hit by a car, confusion of the heart in March, breaking my arm, a show I never wanted to do but I slogged through anyway, and two semesters of awful schoolwork.

But as 2009 comes to a close, I'm beginning to feel an incredible lightness of being (as opposed to unbearable, which this certainly isn't). I have one more semester at this university. I will no longer be stage managing here. I have a wealth of time to devote to Texas 4000. But most importantly, I am in love with these people. I can almost feel the stress leaving my body.

All of this is important yes, but Texas 4000 has also subtly infiltrated and improved other areas of my life. I've been introduced to a lot of people I wouldn't have met otherwise (friends of friends, people far outside the theatrical social circle I'm used to, as well as professors and former riders) and all of those people were great. Some of them were moving. And a few of them may have a greater impact on me than I can yet predict or understand. And I know them because of this organization.

Add to this the immense amount of information you learn from your teammates about what they do and who they are, and the impact is almost overwhelming. Whole areas of study and knowledge can be exposed to you in minutes - things you never knew you should or might care about.

Texas 4000 for me was always about the people. I work with people for a living; I love people. And this organization is letting me love more people. Touch more people. I'm sitting in my apartment today - I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week (vacation in Denver, among other things) and I am filled with a sweet and penetrating feeling of bliss. It's not overwhelming, but instead it's sort of diffused throughout my whole body. A little here and there.

Today, I am grateful for the things Texas 4000 has brought me that I didn't expect. For the people outside the organization that are somehow connected through this rider or that - for those who I might have never known otherwise. For the things I am learning.

Sometimes you can feel your life changing. It's that feeling of a little too much adrenaline - of nervousness, of anticipation. It makes you a little nauseous, yet you're inexplicably happy.

Today I felt that shift fully for the first time. I am warm, I am anxious - I am ready.